It cuts wood but not thick meat cylinders...

Of course I meant hot dogs, what else could I have meant?!

As I mentioned in my last post I watched a DVD today, specifically Deja Vu starring Denzil Washington which is all about seeing through time.

Unfortunately it got me thinking, unfortunate for you lot as I'm now going to go a bit brain spewage...

I think we could all think of a time where we'd like to change the past, change what's happened to us or other people.

My times I have to admit are rather selfish, it's largely things that could change the course of history for me or for someone close to me.

I've heard the scientific answer, it's impossible, I've heard some people give a theological or philosophical reason, it was God's will or it was destiny.

Beig a sci-fi fan I've seen enough time travel plot lines to last a lifetime, all of which fall into four categories.

The destructionist plot: going back in time and destroying something, the classic being the plot of people going back who step on or otherwise kill a creature that will evolve into humankind, destroying the human race.

The creationist plot: Going back and making something, the classic being becoming your own father in the Dave Lister mould...

The preventative plot: Stopping something happening, normally a crime of some kind, who doesn't remember Star Trek IV and it's need to bring whales back from extinction (that's whales not Wales...)

The provocational plot: Making something happen to change the future, we do of course have the classic Bill and Ted movie where they needed to win the high school history report... (I didnt say it had to be SERIOUS sci-fi...)

The thing that has always twistyfried my brain is this, what I reckon is the biggest paradox of it all...

If you go back in time and change something... it's been changed, so why would you have needed to go back to change it... so it wouldn't have been changed... so you;d need to go back and change it...

It all becomes trapped in one big logic loop and makes my brain go *plip* and reset...

Then I think to myself...

It's sci-fi you doofus, deal with it.

I had a day off, I had a day OFF!

I know... unexplored territory...

Course I haven't done much, largely thanks to the awful weather.

Relaxed a bit, did a bit of work around the house and garden, played a bit of PC gameage, watched a DVD... All the usual relaxation tools!

Course, it's another early night tonight as it's back to work tomorrow

I keep forgetting to say about the minor irritation I keep getting on the train on the way down to work.

There's a guy who keeps sitting opposite me despite the fact there's usually about 4 people riding it.

I'll sit there on one of the end tables, an empty table next to me and still, still he'll sit opposite me and spread out including whomping his apparently 10 year old laptop on the table.

Is he trying to impress my with his lappie? If he is I might feel more impressed by something that wouldn't have come out only loaded with DOS...

Maybe I should take mine along and have lappie wars...

I love it when random chat leads to Photoshoppery...

One throwaway comment to Subbarella on the phone and...

Click for full size.

Now, the important questions, does that hat suit me and do I look a bit too clingy...?

Seems my slight smugness over dry weather while most of you lot had rain is coming back to haunt me...

I may have to stoop to wearing my work branded hat... or be a lazy bugger and get a taxi up from the station rather than walk it

Ah well, here's to another working day, I will be trying my plan again, I'll report on the potential success of it later...

Let's start the day with a thought...

Laughing with me or laughing at me, it all sounds the same to me...

Couple stories have caught my eye today...

Story #1

Now, one of my best friends is a Brummie... and so I'm not sure what she'd think of the fact Miss Birmingham in the Miss UK finals was from Stoke on Trent after a spokesman for Miss Great Britain said: "We were desperately looking for a Miss GB entrant from Birmingham but in truth, there was no-one suitable who entered."

Wha? No-one suitable?!

In other words the people who did enter weren't "stunning" enough for the Miss GB finals.

Arses to that. I don't doubt every single Brummie girl that went in for it was attractive... maybe they were more intelligent than yeast, maybe they were a little too curvy for the seeming skinny-ass models that win through.

I'll tell you something, if I was to choose a woman to represent the UK I'd prefer it to be based on something other than their ability to bare almost all in a bikini while being gawped at by a bunch of blokes with a hand in their pocket playing a little pocket-billiards...

Story #2

So, from pocket billiards rising the... temperature to pocket rockets causing a bang...

To shamelessly rip the entire first para...

Bomb squad officers called in to blow up a suspicious package found it contained a packet of chocolate buttons and a vibrator.

So they blew it up in a controlled explosion

Well, that's one woman who's night's been ruined...

"Hang on, you've blown up my chocolate AND my dildo?! How am I going to relieve stress now?!"

*Removing any rude comments involving bloggers of the parish...*

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

"It looks like the Senate and the president have finally agreed on an immigration bill. ... This one looks like it could become law and, of course, nobody likes it. The conservatives say the bill gives amnesty to the illegals. The liberals say it doesn't go far enough to protect the hardworking immigrants here in America. And the L.A.P.D. doesn't know who to beat up." --Bill Maher

"Part of this new immigration bill requires the head of the household to be sent home. He has to go back to his home country. Some people say this would be cruel to take a hardworking person working for the American dream and send them home. But, hey, 'American Idol' does it every week." --Jay Leno

"The Associated Press says that many of the Mexican people in Mexico are against this new immigration bill. Oh, man. Let's hope they don't boycott coming here." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. President Bush says he's gonna miss listening to Tony Blair, because when he closes his eyes, Blair sounds just like C3PO." --Conan O'Brien

"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." --Seth Meyers

"Lieutenant General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon's director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room to yell, 'Not it!'" --Amy Poehler

"Toyota introduced a luxury hybrid car that costs $125,000. The luxury hybrid is perfect for the person who wants to be environmentally conscious, but still wants to look like a selfish a-hole." --Conan O'Brien

...how easy it is to get back into the swing of things.

Well, easy when you're browser isn't fucking around, I've written this three times...

It's weird, on my lappie everything works fine, on the house PC it often goes tits up and freezes, yet it's the same version and has even LESS extensions than mine has... something is clashing somewhere...

Right, here we go on another week so optimism people!

It might not be as bad as we first thought it will be.

See, there's good optimism...

Pacman fossil:

This has to have been deliberate...

Right, what better way to return than a meme!?

Paulboyd has charged me to come up with seven random things about me, so here goes. (I'm sure this one flew around a lil while ago)

1) I have zero technical qualifications at all, only 3 A-Levels in very soft subjects.

2) My worst A-Level result was, ironically, in Media Studies.

3) If I were to listen to my music collection non stop, 24-7, playing each track once, it would take me 1,143 hours, 19 minutes and 15 seconds, around 48 days give or take.

4) I have an innate fear of heights... actually skip that, I have an innate fear of landing...

5) I'm currently on my third laptop after both the first two died, although this is the first one I've not gone for the cheapest option.

6) I have a real Louisville Slugger baseball bat.

7) I've never (touch wood) had an injury more serious than a cut, never broken anything or needed a hospital stay.

Umm, I'm supposed to tag seven people so... If you havent done it do it NOW... unless you're number 8. In which case don't or a large sentient yak will come and sing tenor show tunes outside your window while you try to sleep.

On the plus side your roses will grow pretty well...

I'll be honest, the last two weeks haven't been the worst of my life, I have many other weeks all vying for top spot but they've been highly crap.

I've been stressed, depressed, angry, sad, overworked, underappreciated... and it's not over yet, it will be carrying on past this week, some of my problems anyway.

Some of the problems hit me in the form of a 'why do I blog' crisis of the mind. Some difficulties were being exacerbated for me by situations surrounding blog and also by the need to post, when things were hectic too often I would find myself retreating to here, often causing even more problems, I was forever on the back foot at times.

I also needed a break, I was posting a lot but I was posting crap... although I now realise I don't care, I hardly charge entry onto here so hey, if I write crap then I do.

In some ways the break has done my brain good, in other ways... maybe not, I dunno. I'll probably only know the definitive answer once I've been back for a bit.

So... sorry folks but I'm back, I'm back because I sorta missed this place, I'm back because I've been tagged to do a meme and I don't like to disappoint and I'm back because there's only so many times a guy can be asked "have you posted yet, have you posted yet, have you posted yet..."

And so, the answer Subs, upon asking me that for the 9,481,206th time is...

Yes. Yes I have.

It's true, I'm always a little... as Subs would say, ruffled.

No matter the occasion my hair is always having a party, even the best designer clothes would just look silly on me and I tend to veer towards 'comfortable' when it comes to clothes etc.

However... having said that I can smarten up when the need takes me and therefore it was a leeetle bit rude for a couple people to suggest I need to smarten up to go to the show... because, you see, I'm that unprofessional and don't already know to be neat and polite when meeting the punters...

Ah well, c'est la vie as it were... should be fun, I'm on desk duties and helping run the internet cafe so nothing too tiring although there are a few regular callers I might want to avoid... there's a couple don't like me much...

On this page HERE and nicked indirectly from Meno!

Grey, raining and cold...

Ah well, as I said on Faffa's blog the big County Show is over soon and we all know bad weather at this time of year is purely down to the rain making properties of large outdoor agricultural shows...

I predict carribean weather come Sunday...

Could be the prospect of six days in a row of work... although that may not be too bad, got a couple of fun shifts doing PR work at the show with the aforementioned Dalek...

Dunno, just been one of those days, not really achieved much and had a few familial problems to try and either deal with, worry about or simply plan to have at an undetermined time in the future...

Pah, music, DVDs and surfing, lets see if that makes my evening perk up like a nipple with an ice cube. (OK, no idea where that analogy came from but I liked it so it's staying in...)

Oh, by the way, the garden centre was ok, just got some tomato plants but got various ideas for that undetermined future time when I actually have time off to do something.

Come stand in Devon, you'll get 14 different weather systems in 2 minutes...

So far while out it's been...

Warm and sunny
Warm and cloudy
Warm and drizzling
Warm and bucketing it down to cries of "get the dingy"
Cold and sunny
Cold and cloudy
Cold and drizzling
Cold and bucketing it down... yadda, yadda.

And that was just in the couple hours I was out and it was totally random, it was like God had his meteorological mp3 player on shuffle and was skipping through 30 seconds at a time...

Marriage and Men

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home

- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face

- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.

- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

...I'm on a day off and I'm going to a garden centre...

This does not bode well...

Molty, if I paid you to come down...?

I read that the police have sealed off a villa near where Maddy McCann went missing and it automatically brings up thoughts of the worst case scenario.

C'mon, who hasn't thought of doing it?

A real nerdy one.

Lol, I love this...

A pair of German international footballers have been awarded 50,000 euros (about 34 grand) after a company made them into vibrators during the 2006 World Cup

The rubber-buddies were called "Michael B" and "Olli K" after Chelski midfielder Michael Ballack and Oliver Khan, the long time goalie for Bayern Munich.

Hmm... I'm sorry but if they made them big enough I'd be quite happy to have my name on one...

Course this spawns two questions...

1) How did they avoid making a "realistic Ballacks" quote?

2) How did MB complain considering all season for Chelski he's looked like a big prick?

"How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club. " --David Letterman

"The Republican presidential debate was held tonight in California, and ten candidates took part. Political experts say that the ten Republican candidates represented all races, creeds, and colors of rich white men." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight was the big Republican debate. Ten white guys. ... It looked like a meeting of the Hair Club for Men. GOP stands for Gray, Old and Pale." --Jay Leno

"There's a brand new book out. In it Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says that she has a crush on President Bush. Well, sure. Who doesn't?" --David Letterman

"It looks like a lot of politicians' careers will be ruined when this Washington madam releases the names on her client list. President Bush's Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias has already resigned because he was a customer. He claims he just got a massage, but no sex. I think that was called 'The Married Guy Special.'" --Jay Leno

"The Democrats' problem isn't that they're calling for timetables. It's that they're calling them timetables. You're up against Bush and the Republicans, you got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables. Call them ... patriot dates ... freedom deadlines ... glory goals. What decent, patriotic American wouldn't stand behind a glory goal?" --Jon Stewart

"According to Men's Health Magazine, one out of five grown adult men still watch Saturday morning cartoons every week. To which President Bush went, 'See'" --Jay Leno

Sponsored by Flicky, along with Subs, Sminch, Faffa, Meno... (click Flicky to see the original inspiration post )

Hope all Mothers, not just my cybermum, have a great day today.

I appear to be able to stay at home all day...

I seem to have... no work...

Jeez, it seems a lot longer ago than 8 days I last had a day off, I was sat thinking about something I thought was a couple weeks or so ago and realised it was only a few days ago

Woke up to a blimmin monsoon this morning, it was absolutely HAMMERING it down... stupid thing was it got bright and sunny a couple hours ago, back to grey now...

It was Ten Tors weekend too, if you don't know what that is it's a thing where teenagers wander over Dartmoor to ten big tors and get a stamp. We'd already had a fatality because of the weather in training, a 14 year old girl got washed away in a swollen river, now look at THIS and is there any reason it's been called off? They've had to have a pair of Sea Kings airlifting the teams out.

Ah well, now I'm crashed out ripping music and watching various other people crash out in the Grand Prix

Aren't we all really unhappy that Captain Personality Raikkonen is out...

Skin, campness and dodgy nepotism...

It's Eurovision

My one worry... Did anyone se