I saw THIS...

Lightning man to become a father

A Merseyside man who was told he was unlikely to ever have children after being hit by lightning is about to become a father.

...and thought, "anybody spoken to the milkman?"

Stumbled on this... the worst roommate ad ever?

Hello,

I am seeking out a roommate. I’ve had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find “the perfect housemate.” I think it can be done!

1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I’ve realised that life is much better when it’s shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It’s just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I’m no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn’t make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)

2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I’d need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I’d prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs’ possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged.

3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it’s inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you’ll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.)

Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine! I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irritate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can’t handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you’d like to share lyrics, I’d be more than delighted to oblige!)

If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you’d like to avoid, by all means let me know and I’ll do you the same honour.)

You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it’s filthy teeth. (Believe me, I’ve had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.)

If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you’d like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots.

I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved.

I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks.

You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I’ve tried this with housemates who’ve promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.

No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only!

You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies!

That’s the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests.

If you are interested, please email me the following information:

1. Name

2. Occupation

3. Age

4. Allergies

5. Favourite author

Cheers!

So, as another year draws to a close I've decided to do the prestigious AJ awards!

The Tim Henman Sporting Britishness Award:
For realising the British don't like a cocky winner, just a plucky trier, this has to go to Lewis Hamilton. Go for it Lewis, we're all hoping you come second again next year!

The Gianluca Vialli Sporting Un-Britishness Award:
For the complete lack of realisation of which country he's based in... it has to be Arsene Wenger, a man who can say "England have sold out hiring a foreign manager" with a straight face and no sense of pot-kettle colouration interaction.

The Katie Price What The F$%k Have You Done To Yourself Award:
It has to be the once pretty, now disturbingly rough looking Amy Winehouse, a woman who brings a whole new meaning to looking like the rear end of a badger.

The Merchant Banker Best Rhyming Slang Award:
James Blunt... what a c...

The Stainless Steel Apple Corer Popular Yet Useless Award:
Everyone has it, and yet it has less point than playdoh... Facebook.

The Group 4 Oh, Hang On, I Have The Award Somewhere Award:
This is a tie between HM Customs, the Police, The Welfare and Pensions Department... In fact every single government department, none of whom understand the term "Safe Media Storage".

The Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction Award:
Ro... OK, I want to see 2008 so I'll stop there.

(Gawd, a meme and now a photo post... I'm so full of inspiration...)

So, I decided not to just sit on my arse but to get out today so ended up going on the train to Plymouth, a short shopping spree later (one hot-shoe spirit level, one UV filter, one Circular Polariser) and I was in snapping mode...

So here we go, you know the drill, I go snapping, you have to look at the results... Well, some of them, the rest are on Flickr.

Plymouth Hoe

War Memorial

Smeaton's Tower

Sea Front

Fancy taking a dive?

FIRE!

Rusty Winch (Specially for Usky)

Ferry

Monsters Ahoy

Water drops on a swan

HM Customs House (Shockingly it was still where they left it!)

Started by the Soy one.

What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Travelled around the country.

Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
God no, I never make any...

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Don't think so.

Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year.

What countries did you visit?
England, oh, and Manchester.

What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Hope.

What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
As I can't think of any I guess that'd be none...

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Achievement? Me?

What was your biggest failure?
We don't have enough time, blogposts must have a limit...

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Few bit's of illness, no major injury.

What was the best thing you bought?
My Digital SLR.

Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Lots of people who got nowhere near the honours list because they're not famous enough. Mere charity work and being a person with a soul of gold isn't enough. But if you're in sport and haven't won something but made a good fist of it...

Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Everyone in reality TV, everyone in politics, everyone who feels a need to go over the top while protesting about crap.

Where did most of your money go?
On photographic equipment... far too much photographic equipment

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Travelling.

What song will always remind you of 2007?
Err... no idea, sorry!

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a)happier or sadder? Hmm, bout the same I think.
b)thinner or fatter? Definitely not thinner, hopefully not fatter.
c) richer or poorer? Richer probably.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Living.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Working... but I think everyone thinks that.

How many one-night stands?
None... never have.

What was your favourite TV program?
Scrubs

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't think I really hate anyone, that's too extreme a word.

What was the best book you read?
Making Money by Terry Pratchett

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Finding the Magical Trombone of King PootdeToot of Siam.

What did you want and get?
A hug.

What did you want and not get?
A lot more hugs

What was your favourite film of this year?
I honestly can't remember what came out this year, last year, year before...

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 28, I did absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, I worked, came home and surfed, went to bed early as I had to be up the next day. Exciting, eh?

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
The right 6 numbers.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
The same as it's always been, I don't give a fuck about anything but comfort.

What kept you sane?
Taking a small trip of self exploration into my brain I can conclusively say nothing managed sanity in my head.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Can't say I really did.

What political issue stirred you the most?
The whole crap from start to finish, we've lost the leaders who did it for the people and simply gained leaders who do it for themselves. Politics these days is simply masturbation in a suit.

Whom did you miss?
Dad.

Who was the best new person you met?
New? Is the blogmeet counting as new people?

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Never get stuck between an egotistical tosser and his self confidence.

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Was in a car earlier driving along (as you do) when the moon decided to jump out on me looking massive...

Seriously, had me wondering if I should check on the radio for any "end of the world" announcements.

Course my camera was in it's bag. In the boot. DOH!

Hmm, here's a quiz for blogworld, why sometimes does the moon look so huge?

Currently there's a have your say board on the beeb website about whether we should make soup kitchen's illegal... nice festive fare in the season of goodwill to all men...

Now, I know that the people who write on messageboards are 20% opinionated nazi twats but even I was mildly surprised to see this unmitigated fuckwit commenting...

Every rough sleeper should be approached and given a plan to get them into a home and a job - if they don't take part then let them suffer. Then there will be no longer a need for soup kitchens.

It should be illegal to live on the streets!!

Creating services like soup kitchens just prolomgs the situation and makes it worse!!

[POLARIS69], Kent, United Kingdom.

Recommended by 4 people

It's been recommended by four people?!

No doubt middle to upper class tossers who've had it easy and think getting a job is just asking daddy for one in his firm...

I want to track down that fucker, make him bankrupt and see just how easy he finds it if he gets thrown into the eternal circle of not being able to get a job because he has no home but not being able to get a home because he has no job.

Like I wasn't in a grumpy enough mood I had to look at a messageboard, I should have known better.

For...

Fucks...

Sake...

The government has come under strong criticism after nine English NHS trusts admitted losing patient records in the latest public sector data lapse.

There reaches a point it becomes too funny to even rip the piss out of...

It's taken me a few days to compose this because it's taken me a few days to read through this lady's blogs and get a good idea about a lady who's interests and talents are many and varied.

She's got a music blog that's festive enough to even put a bit of Christmas cheer into me (cmon, only a little) and writes poetry that is both thoughtful and readable, putting across a real sense of the lady.

Her blog oozes classical aesthetics with a header picture that, despite it's digital nature still conveys everything that good about oil painting, and compliments her user photo which is of another oil painting, a lady deep in thought... Which means I'm now picturing the image with a PC instead of a violin

She's been blessed(?) with some festive snow and some finally working lights (and a potentially homicidal star), she's a nurse, a mother and a has a spiritual side.

It's unfortunate that I haven't been able to see all her blogposts, in what I have managed to read over the last few day's I reckon I can conclusively say she's a caring lady with a big heart and a sense of humour that verges on the... not dark but a little dimpsy

She made me laugh, she made me empathise about sibling rivalry and she made me wish I could help her out with that pressing need for a team of elves and a flying sleigh...

I reckon I might see the possibility of a friend invite from the lady, I've enjoyed reading what she has to write and will pop over there more often

Oh, and she's a friend of the mad traveller herself, Meno...

To finish what else could I do for a lady who's got a phases of the moon widget but my own little photoshop effort... I only hope this post has done her credit...

You're right! You were famous!

...but I wasn't THAT tired...

I saw a great quote the other day, "You see grey and overcast, I see black & white..."

But colour works too...

I love moon clouds.

Barry McGuigan vs Juz

Because I have a spare couple minutes and this is easier than thinking... Sorry, still havent caught up.

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends.

Okay , here's what you're supposed to do , and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! (Bugger off, I'll be one if I want, you do know three !s is a sign of insanity?) Just copy (not forward) this entire email and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you...... Tis the Season to be NICE! (Tell me that when I'm not knackered...)

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Depends who it is and what it is.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Don't have one.

3. When do you put up the tree? See above

4. When do you take the tree down? See above and above again.

5. Do you like egg nog? Never tried it.

6. Favourite gift received as a child? A big bundle of He-Man toys when I was about 7.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? No.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My sisters.

9 . Easiest person to buy for? Me.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Bit of both.

11 .Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A bottle of eau de toilette that was eating the bottle and could have stripped paint with just the fumes.

12 . Favourite Christmas movie? Don't have one.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Some point in December, it depends when I get an idea.

14 . Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No

15. Favourite thing to eat at Christmas? My sister's roast potatoes.

16. Clear or coloured lights? Neither.

17. Favourite Christmas song? The Night Santa Went Crazy - Weird Al

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel a short distance to sister's.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? Bob, Frank, Eric, Stan, Tony, John, Chris and Marjorie. Cmon, what's the life expectancy of reindeer...?

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither.

21 . Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Day at some point.

22 . Most annoying thing about this time of year? This time of year.

23 . Favourite ornament theme or colour? Don't have one.

24. Favourite for Christmas dinner? Roast potatoes, stuffing, bread sauce etc, etc.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Whatever is in a big post office box in my house.

26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Me.

27. Who is least likely to respond to this? A close tie between God, Santa and Adolf Hitler.

Like I could be starring in one of Rampage's zombie movies...

The footy last night went to extra time and penalties.

Even the teams were unhappy it was such a pointless game, There wasn't any celebration of an extra time equaliser and I'm sure it was because the players and fans, like us, wanted to go home and it would only prolong it...

Right, off to work again, might actually be able to catch up if I wake up...

- Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

- Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

- Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

- While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

- Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

- Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

- Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

- Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

- Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Do me a favour people...

Go flag this: http://www.blog.co.uk/user/beryl003/

EDIT: Deleted by the team Thanks Ramps!

Playing with ISO, B&W and night shots.

...sending a christmas card to somebody at a workplace they left 5 years ago...

...and naming the workplace by a name they've never used but was the name of their predecessor twenty-five years ago.

It's true, people find it hard to let go.

Oh, and in other news I'll finish these two weeks at about 20 stone thanks to festive gifts from "customers" and stuff bought by colleagues for the office...

...I've just loaded something into the system at work for the third time...

I'm happy to admit a mistake once but I know I loaded it in last night and this morning it was gone again...

I've spent this entire week thinking it's a day or so later than it really is...

I've been confusing people at work something chronic thanks to my temporal instability, especially as I have to plan bits of output... never good when you can't remember what day it is!

I'm not even sure why, I've felt like this when I've had to work on a weekend but I'm working this Saturday not last, so if anything I should be thinking it's a day early...

Even on Monday when I'd had a day of the previous day my brain still tried convincing me it was Tuesday...

Something is really not right in my head!

But hey, we knew that already

Have a little quiz...

You havent had enough sleep for two nights. After this and a 10 and a half hour shift the last thing you want is...

A: Your train to be late.

B: Your train to be broken.

C: Your team to lose.

D: A small team of mutation-enhanced, fearfully-intelligent, fully-armed, homicidal Dormice will take over your town and force everyone to work in their brie-mines in Ecuador.

E: All Most of the above...

Yep, it's E, all but one of the things above happened to me this evenin.

All but the train being broken...

So if you need me I'll be 400 feet down excavating a vein of 24 carat brie...

Here we go again...

And the obligatory clear night shot...

When we're going to get a run of clear nights I'm going to go out every night and snap a shot, try to get an animation

Hey, Ceej, Sminch...

You may want to have a serious think about this kind of deterrent for unruly pupils...