by
ajnspencer
@ 24/02/08 - 11:25:47
Now I have to admit I haven't done an exhaustive search but could these be some of the worst ads... ever?
All of a sudden the pitiful acting, inane plots and ridiculous characters (Barry Scott) of our current ads pale into some kind of insignificance next to these beauties...
For starters lets begin with some good old computer ads...
Now, I'm guessing, as they both look like the love child of Bruce Forsyth and Camilla Windser, the kids here are family... Which makes the fact they're gazing lovingly into each other's eyes indicative of one of two things; this is very disturbing... or this ad was designed in Alabama.
Obviously these poor mites have never even seen a computer before, they appear to have been given it for Christmas and, as yet, haven't learnt to try looking at the screen when twiddling their joysticks...
Now, this advert tells a tragic tale...
This man spent all the money he'd saved up for gym membership on a computer, a pair of yellow slacks and a comedy German beard, hoping the combination would get him laid at the next Oktoberfest.
Of course, this has left the poor man weak and unable, as he is demonstrating here, of successfully ripping a piece of paper.
He's left to sit, holding the offending A4 in the campest way imaginable smiling hopelessly at the man behind the camera to either rip the paper for him or, at the very least, de-louse his facial furrage.
Of course, he was a silly billy because back in the old days computer ownership and gym membership were inexorably linked, certainly if you wanted a "laptop".
In fact it's something that's carried on through the years, back then businessmen got unbelievably strong right arms from the constant exercise of carrying their computer.
It's a tradition that's strong even today with businessmen still building up a strong right arm through computer-based single arm exercise... although that's also thanks to the invention of the internet...
So obviously a laptop wasn't something you bought the missus, unless she was a Russian shot-putter, and I think this comes under the heading too.
As you can see, this woman has spotted that her husband shopped for unsightly jumpers in the same store for her and their attractive female neighbour, which is why she's currently displaying his penis on a skewer...
Of course the solution for the newly-bobbitted man was simple, he should have simply done something outrageously disgusting instead...
Because nothing says "come back to mine for a quickie" like smoke you're already breathed...
Personally I think they missed off the tagline "She'll follow you anywhere, and then ram a stiletto into your knackers..."
But of course those were times where women weren't given as many rights or even as much credit as today, good times I think you'll agree.
After all, don't we all wish for a time when soundly beating your wife was allowed for minor shopping infractions... (I know at least one person who'd get the shopping wrong every week...)
God forbid what happened when she bought value bog-roll not Andrex...
Of course if beating didn't work there was the other simple answer... Drugging!
This lady is pregnant and due to her morning sickness has been unable, prepare yourself for a shock here, to make her husband's breakfast!
This was obviously a shocking state of affairs and truly required a pregnant lady to take, probably minimally-tested, prescription drugs... Well, c'mon, breakfast is the most important meal of the day and that "laptop" isn't carrying itself!
But never fear, it wasn't just ladies problems you could solve with chemicals...
Granddad getting a little too feisty? Drug him!
For Grandma the solution to irritability (especially if it's caused by Granpa being too hawked up on drugs to do anything fun) was simpler, buy her a gum massager...
Yes, I said a gum massager, personally I can't think of another use for a fake rubber vibrating finger and I'd be both shocked and appalled if you could...
Of course, part of the reason for some ladies feeling the need for a daily
gum massage might be this obviously successful advert...
After all, I can't imagine it was hard at all to keep armed forces personnel away from ladies who put out...
Moving now from the simple to the downright disturbing, all I can say about this one is I just imagine that's a cup of blood...
Seriously, argue if you like but look at that man, he IS a serial killer, think to yourself "cup of chocolate, cup of blood, cup of chocolate, cup of blood..." I bet one begins to look more obvious...
Of course, on the subject of obvious this one takes the biscuit, what's a more obvious way to sell meat than show the animal in question happily slicing itself up for our delections?!
Oh right, what's a more obvious way is any way...
I can only imagine the child in this advert, the first of what I call the 'possessed children ads', had seen the previous ad which explains the look on her face...
Well, it's either that or she, like me, is thinking... "What the hell is that on the side of the plate?"
Is this the old days where nothing was wasted, one steak from a pig... oh, and it's testicles lightly roasted in honey...
While we're on the subject of testicles I think this is where this lad has just been grabbed under the table from the look on his face, either that or the excitement of eating on a train moving very fast backwards...
Oh and left hand? Who the heck dumps a pile of hotdogs on the table...?
And finally...
This one is a tad disturbing so please don't look if easily offended.
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So, on to the question... scariest looking child ever?
I think I'd rather have Damien and a trike in my house than this child who's looking on excitedly as her mother spreads the entrails of a newly slaughtered rat onto some bread for her...
...I'll tell you something... that knife will need a good soak in some CILLIT BANG...
)
